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Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
Michael Jackson, Again.

But yes, this is a post about Sparkles.
As of yesterday, it's been two months since his death, and as much as i'm not over it, I feel more stable to talk about it.

Michael Jackson, you may or may not know, is my favourite artist to have ever lived. He has been pretty much throughout my life. And I know most people say how they've been a fan all their life, and it gets repetitive and mostly an exaggeration to make them seem like much more of a fan. When in fact, i'm being serious.
I have many, many memories of Michael growing up. My earliest memories of him include my father, who left me and my family nearly seven years ago, who was a DJ at a pub nearby to my house, and he would play Smooth Criminal on vinyl [in which I still actually own], and put Michael Jackson's Moonwalker on at the weekends.
And no matter how many times I watched that film as a kid, I still screamed at this spiders.
I have sweet memories of Michael. I used to want to be Katie from Moonwalker as a child, and with my ever over-reactive imagination, I used to pretend Michael would play with me when we went to parks. In my mind, as a child, me and Michael were the best of friends.
I also have sour memories of Michael. Whilst my parents were divorcing, I listened to a lot of Michael's music, and became utterly obsessed with a forum called MJNewsOnline, which became like a second home on the interenet for me, for a good four to five years. Although at this time I was depressed, terrified and self harming, the only real thing that made me feel like it would be fine was Michael. I'd listen to his music and be soothed, or I'd see that beautiful smile and can't help but join in with it. His smile - so infectious. Even now, I can't help but crack a smile every time it appears in front of me. And although these seem like happy memories that saved me through a tough time, I can't help but look back on it with complete sadness these days.

I'd say, though, I've been an active fan for a good seven-eight years. I was eleven coming into contact with MJNO, and I think after I found that, the true fan in me came out, in a sometimes loving, and in a sometimes aggressive way.
God help those that dared to call my Michael a paedophile in front of me.

And it was at the time of the 2005 allegations that I really came out as a Michael fan. I got into countless arguments with kids at school for insulting Michael, and I listened to his music in class, which was a big no-no in our school. I probably was served a good few detentions for listening to music in my time at that school, actually.
And I remember the not guilty verdict so vividly in my mind, as the fans stood hand-in-hand cheering for his innocence, as the cameras cut out to fans in America celebrating in streets, birds being released, and everything being so joyous.

Of course, I am only eighteen years of age, so most of the interesting things that happened in England to do with Michael had happened in the Eighties, or were happening in the early-Nineties, which was no good to me, as I was just baby at this time. And believe it or not, I have had a few Jackson fans in my life tell me I am less of a fan since I wasn't a fan in the Eighties [By women of at least thirty years of age, no less], which still makes me laugh, honestly.

But still, as I grew up, Michael's music has always been there for me, no matter what. And even though as I've grown older, and further into Japanese and Korean music, as well as metal, I haven't listened to Michael as much as I would have done before, but I was still more than ever, an MJ Fan, and PROUD.

25 June.
It was a pretty damn normal day, spending the day not caring about anything and ignoring my boyfriend-at-the-time on all levels.
Until the evening. It must have been around 11pm? I notice Facebook's dead, then Twitter's packing up, and Livejournal's a bit wonky, so I leave it for a second, only to come back with my friend Aaron complaining the internet is dead.
"Why is it dead?" I ask him, thinking he'll tell me how long it will be till i can get my facebook fix.
"Everyone's trying to see Michael Jackson."

Now of course, this strikes me as odd. I know that the This Is It tour had been announced, so maybe he was doing another speech? Maybe he's done another ridiculous thing that the media will pull apart?

"He's in a coma."

I screamed.
My eyes were brimming with tears, and I ran to my front room to collapse in front of the tv as my shaking hands are punching in the numbers for Sky News....

And in front of my eyes, four words I have never in my life thought I'd live to see were plastered across my tv.

Michael Jackson is dead.

I can't help but break down into tears, my body was so numb, and my brother ran downstairs to see what was going on, and even he looked on the verge of tears.
But of course, I won't take this. Dead? Michael can't die! Michael's invincible!!! He's immortal, he'll outlive everyone!!!
The coroners office hadn't declared him as dead yet, however, and they were still resuscitating him, which meant he'd be fine! Anything but this, I was pleading to whatever higher deity there was. Anyone but Michael.
My thoughts were suddenly at his three children, the beautiful Prince, Paris and Blanket, whom the world had never really seen before, and whom i'd never made an effort to find out what they looked like. But in my mind, all I could think about was those poor three children.

Then, I thought of my father. Michael's passing would mean my last connection with my dad was gone. In my eyes, that was the end between me and him, although I hadn't seen him for a good three years, and hadn't talked to him for over a year.

Then the worst happened.
And it was official.

Michael had left us.

Honestly, his death has affected me in a major way. I've been extremely depressed over it, and it killed me.

The monday after, I was at my local club, Route 66, when an old friend and fellow MJ fan came to me to console me.
Then he showed me a receipt that was for two tickets to the This Is It show on the 18th July. I held him tight, saying I was sorry that he was Missing seeing Michael.
And he then told me that the other ticket was my eighteenth birthday present from him, and he was going to surprise me.

My life-long dream to see Michael Jackson perform was so nearly a reality.

It still hurts, even now.
But luckily, with my family supporting me, my amazing new boyfriend supporting me the most, my friends being mostly respectful, and the fans i've made friends with, I will cope, and i will help others to cope, because we all need each other right now.

Goodnight, Sparkles.

I love you so much.