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Thursday, 7 January 2010
I sometimes find myself in situations where I feel so lost and lonely and unable to either change myself or the surroundings around me. It's an odd feeling to feel, and it's often fleeting, but the imagery in my head of those moments are very vivid.

These moments often come about when reading of a very special friend of mine. He's world-adored, but to me, he is my closely-guarded secret.

I've come to miss him dearly, lately. We aren't the sort of friends that go for coffee every weekend, as it's not physically possible with the type of distance we have. But when we are together and is just the two of us, his kind words and soft voice forever eases me, keeps me sane, and with a smile on my face. We share something extremely....spiritual.

There is more to him than some seem to think, and in march, I spent the night beside him. Purely platonic, despite what some friends who know of this seem to think. But that night, I truly learnt what love, and pure friendship was.

I learnt a lot about myself.
I learnt a lot about him.

But these feelings. I have difficulty with feelings sometimes. I feel lust, I feel...excitement. I feel depression. But other feelings, I find some difficulties with. Unless he is included. I feel the excitement and the lust, but I also feel the jealousy of knowing the world knows of him. I feel the greed of wanting to keep him to myself...and I feel my heart explode sometimes, just by thinking of him. I feel the love.

I find myself needing him at all times.
And knowing it cannot happen.

And there's the depression.


This Andii is an Appreciative Andii